Going Back To School to Balance the Budget

Put your thinking caps on, ladies and gentlemen. I have a pop-quiz for you.

1.     Name the occupation where employees:

·        Use old and slow computers that were made before Vista was a twinkle in Bill Gates’ eye

·        Do their own tech support because there is no such thing as an on-site IT department

·        Do not have an expense account, but instead pay for many of their own supplies

·        Will have 10 unpaid days during the next year

·        Had four days worth of salary removed from July’s paycheck

·        Hope that the sales efforts of an unpaid, under-aged workforce  can augment a dwindling worksite operating budget

·        Have enough clerical work to keep a personal assistant busy all day

·        Have one’s job performance scrutinized in the local newspaper

Your answer choices are A) Business person; B) Sales person; C) Teacher for LAUSD; D) Politician.

If you chose C) Teacher for LAUSD, you are correct!

In the above question, I didn’t even mention the thousands of teachers, nurses, counselors, librarians, secretaries, and custodians who have been laid off over the last few years. Nor did I cite the lack of overtime pay, the number of years I’ve gone without a raise, or the fact that I bring my personal laptop to school because it’s faster and more reliable. I’m not writing to complain about my salary. I didn’t become a teacher to get rich. But I am shocked at the dire financial state of my school district.

Classes just started and my school is already mobilizing its fundraising workforce – the children. On Monday, the 5^th day of class, we had our first fundraising assembly. The students (I mean their parents) will be hitting the streets to peddle wrapping paper and an assortment of other holiday and non-holiday goods from the folks at Charleston Wrap (charlestonwrap.com). It’s the first of two major fundraisers we do every year.

My school will receive half of the money earned from the wrapping paper. That total will then be split with the PTO since an army of moms are needed to oversee the orders and the distribution of the goods. The money is used for anything from copy paper to field trips. There are tons of prizes and incentives for the kids such as trips to Knott’s Berry Farm and a limousine lunch with your friends.

I think the federal government should take a fundraising lesson from our public schools. I think it’s the perfect solution to the budget crisis. It was announced the other day that the deficit will soon reach 1.1 trillion dollars. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for the government to stop spending more than it hauls in, but with some simple school-style fundraising, it can begin to generate a lot more revenue.

So, here’s how I’d get it done. I’d start by using a two-pronged workforce. Those census workers need to stop counting and start selling. Hell, they only work every 10 years anyway. Secondly, anybody receiving unemployment has plenty of time to go door-to-door and make a few phone calls and begin earning some of that money they’re receiving. There are plenty of products out there that can be sold beside the aforementioned wrapping paper: chocolate, candles, kitchen supplies, jewelry, and makeup. Anything that comes with a catalog and a pyramid marketing scheme is fair game until we get this deficit under control.

Congress could also take a page out of the Girls Scouts of America handbook. Just think how much money can be made if those cookies were available year round. So, the Feds can sell the cookies and give the Girl Scouts a percentage of the dough. Then those pint-sized, avocado-uniformed young ladies can get back to more important things, like selling wrapping paper for their schools.

While we’re at it, I don’t see why the government can’t sponsor a few fun-runs and walk-a-thons. Think about how much money could be made if every homeless person worked in a government-sponsored car wash one Saturday morning a month. The local high school track team and cheerleading squad can work the other weekends! Bake sales will have to be out, though. All we need is someone to get sick from too much gluten in their brownies and sue the government. Talk about unproductive.

Americans are amazing at raising money and we are even more generous to dish it out. It’s time to cut back on the money given to all the disease research societies and disaster victims. I know this sounds harsh, but it’s not for good, just until the budget is balanced. Think of Uncle Sam as the crazy relative from up north who needs to borrow a few bucks. And it’s not a total donation; you’ll be getting some sweet wrapping paper and some delicious cookies in the process.

Just think, thanks to some good-ol’-fashioned fundraising, we can get the deficit erased in no time. And then, with a balanced budget, the government can start spending more wisely. Like putting more money into education so I can get a classroom computer that works.

Baseball's Statistical Overload

Baseball is a historical game of statistics. No other sport wraps the past and the present together with a warm blanket of numbers like baseball does.

Unfortunately, over the last the last few years that blanket has become suffocating.

Computer-crazed statisticians are digging up too much irrelevant data and creating confusing new statistical categories. TV announcers love to read off the stats which leave my head spinning under the avalanche of information.

The irrelevant information overload is amped up during national telecasts. ESPN spits out more stats than today’s players emit tobacco juice. The other day I learned that rookie phenom Mike Trout is hitting .411 on pitches in the bottom third of the strike zone. And since he’s hitting over .350 he’s probably doing quite well on pitches in the middle and top third of the strike zone too. Then I was told that Josh Hamilton misses hitting the ball on 36 percent of his swings. The other 64 percent of his swings usually send the ball over the fence for a home run.

Speaking of home runs, I’ve always been curious as to how they accurately measure their distances. Homers rarely complete their travels. And there isn’t a guy out there with a tape measure like a judge at the Olympics marking the distance of the javelin throwers. So, EPSN was able to tell me that Mark Trumbo has the best average home run distance, at 418 feet. Then ESPN went one crazy detail further. Now they are measuring the speed of the home runs. Torii Hunter and Trumbo have the top two homer speeds at 107.5 and 107.3 mph respectively. I don’t care. It’s just technology overkill.

Thankfully, once in awhile a useful tidbit of data is revealed that prevents me from hitting the mute button. For example, ESPN said that Trout is the first player ever to get 100 hits, 15 homers, and 30 stolen bases in his first 75 career games. Additionally, nobody has ever hit .340 with 20 homers and 40 steals in a season, as Trout is on pace to do. Now there’s info that tells me something by comparing his numbers to the historical greats of the game.

There has also been an onslaught of new statistical categories. One of them is OPS which stands for “on base percentage plus slugging percentage”.  This category is supposed to be a better gauge of a hitter’s productivity. In the past, we judged a hitter on his batting average, homeruns, and RBI. Now with OPS, we can take into account how often he is getting on base and how many bases he is accruing with each hit. The trouble with OPS is that I never know how it compares. I don’t have the great OPS numbers of history lodged in my memory like I do with batting average, homers, and RBI. I have to look up the top OPS stats to get an idea. It’s too much work.

Then there’s WHIP, which apparently is like OPS for pitchers. This one is figured by dividing a pitcher’s walks and hits by his innings pitched. Again, as with OPS, I don’t relate to WHIP number because the all-time top WHIPs haven’t been passed down to me over time. A pitcher’s ERA is all I need to know if he’s good or not.

The most confusing new stat is WAR, or “wins above replacement”. WAR is supposed to show how many more wins a player would give his team over a replacement minor league or a substitute player. WAR can be calculated for pitchers and hitters. Good luck if you want to understand how WAR is actually figured. Looking at the stats, there are only three household names in the top 20 single-season WAR leaders: Babe Ruth, Walter Johnson, and Dwight Gooden. The other names on the list played in the 1800s. Does this mean that the players back then were better? Or maybe the replacement players weren’t so good. I have no idea. The career WAR leader board looks like a list of Hall of Fame members. So WAR is correct in telling us that the great players of history were actually just that, great. Thanks for the newsflash.

All of these new categories can be dissected at the mother-load of all stat websites, baseball-reference.com. The best thing this site does is it connects today’s players with those from history. For example, say you want to see how Chipper Jones stacks up against the best of the best. Plug his name in and baseball-reference.com will give you the players most similar to him based on their career stats. Four of the top 10 names on list are Hall of Famers. A few others have a chance to get in too. Chipper looks like a lock for Cooperstown.

That’s the kind of information I want to hear during a telecast. Don’t try to blow me away with numbers based on hyped-up technology. Instead, keep the announcing moving forward by connecting the present with the past.

The Art of Shopping for a New Dog

A good roommate is like a priceless piece of art, especially the four-legged kind. A few weeks ago I adopted a new dog, Peetey, who is quickly settling into his role as best friend. The search for Peetey started the day school was over. I found that adopting a new dog can be harder than buying a car. At least autos have car-fax reports.

I began my search online. Websites like petfinder.com help to provide a launching pad for pet searches. You can hunt by breed, location, age, and gender. I quickly learned that there are more available dogs out there than Americans on unemployment. Rescue groups post profiles about the dogs. You can see photos and videos as well as find out if the dogs are housebroken, spade/neutered, and good with kids or mailmen. From there you can check out the rescue group’s website and find even more available dogs. It’s heartbreaking how many homeless dogs there are. However, these groups would rather part with the crown jewels than one of their precious pooches.

Off the bat, I found a dog of the pug/beagle variety like the late, great Starbuck, my previous dog who passed on in January. First, I had to fill out an application that was more extensive than my last job interview. They wanted to know where the dog will live, how long it will be alone, and what will happen to it if he/she outlives me. At least they didn’t ask what will happen to it in the event of rapture (aftertherapturepetcare.com). Then someone had to examine my house to make sure my yard was secure and that Michael Vick wasn’t hiding in a closet. I failed the inspection to my surprise. The latch on my gate was sub-par. The boards on my fence were suspect. My yard would be too hot in the summer and because I don’t have a doggie door into the house, a pug might either overheat or spontaneously combust. Even though Starbuck never escaped or died from heat stroke it was obvious that these people weren’t going to give me a dog.

The next option was going to the SPCA where the adoption fees are much less but with them comes the saying “you get what you pay for”. I spent a Saturday afternoon at an adoption event in Long Beach. I could have come away with 12 dogs. They’re basically giving them away. There’s no lengthy application or home inspection. You spend a few minutes with the dog of choice and that’s it. If you wish, you can adopt right there. I kind of liked one dog, but there was no guarantee that he was house-trained or well-adjusted. I passed on the SPCA.

So, it was back to the rescue groups. I visited one in Marina Del Rey where I met Peetey. Each dog at this site came with a sponsor/volunteer who was responsible for boarding the dog during the week and for monitoring its behavior. Peetey’s sponsors were a neat couple named Barb and Lonnie. We walked Peetey together while they unobtrusively got to know me. They felt that Peetey was a great dog for me. I was comfortable enough putting in an application. But I had to wait to see if I was good enough for the rescue group.

Soon thereafter I began emailing with a lady named Susan who helps run the rescue group. Without knowing me or knowing much about Peetey, she raised concerns that he wasn’t housebroken and that I needed to hire a dog-walker while I am at work. I said that wasn’t necessary because I am home every day after school with plenty of time to walk a dog. I was beginning to think that these rescue groups want a doggie Shangri-La; a large yard in Palos Verdes with two retired owners who cater to their pet’s every need. I think they forget one crucial element – they are dogs! They need care and attention, but they are also hearty creatures. They don’t have to live in paradise. Give them food, water, shelter, exercise, and love and they’re abundantly happy!

Meanwhile, Lonnie cyber-stalked me and found this blog site, which reconfirmed in his mind that I was a more-than suitable owner for Peetey. Thankfully, Lonnie, and not Susan, got to make the final decision. Peetey’s a really good boy. He’s very different from Starbuck, but he’s a lot of fun and has a sweet personality.

All dog owners wish they could know what their pet is thinking. Author Garth Stein has done this beautifully in the brilliant and touching book, “The Art of Racing in the Rain.” In the book, Enzo the dog is owned by a race-car driver named Denny. He and Denny love to watch racing together on TV. They have a wonderful relationship and Enzo supports Denny during a very rough time of life.

Starbuck was very Enzo-like in my life. Peetey has some big paws to fill. At home, he seems to enjoy his new slice of paradise and I’m thankful to have a pastime viewing partner. He loves the Angels, despises the Yankees, and agrees on the need for instant replay. I am thrilled for this new chapter in my life, which I am calling: the Art of Baseball Watching in (Shangri)-LA.