Duck Farts and Hoodoo: Baseball by the Letters

This year baseball has had more Opening Days than a season of Storage Wars. Regardless, I loved Opening Day (Friday) and I think it should be a national holiday … or at least a day off from school. As a baseball-loving school teacher, I had to chuckle at this quote from old-timer Shoeless Joe Jackson: “I ain't afraid to tell the world that it don't take school stuff to help a fella play ball.”

Perhaps he’s right (but don’t tell my students). However it takes some ‘school stuff’ to understand baseball. So, I dusted off my baseball dictionary and have prepared the ABCs of obscure baseball terms for the new season.

A is for Accordion Act: Collapsing in a pennant race. Think of Boston and Atlanta last fall.

B is for Banana: A prospect who makes the team. Apparently the Angels’ Mike Trout needs more ripening.

C is for County-Fair Player: one who shows off; a grandstander. As in Jose Valverde of the Tigers.

D is for Duck Fart: A bloop single. I always get teary over seeing replays of Luis Gonzalez’ duck fart that won the 2001 World Series over the Yankees.

E is for Eagle Claw: A well-shaped fielder’s glove. As a kid, I used to break-in my eagle claw by wrapping it in rubber bands and sticking it under my bed post.

F is for Fish Cakes: Low pay, particularly that which is paid in the minor leagues. Check that, fish cakes are actually what California pays its teachers.

G is for Gonfalon: Synonym for pennant (the Italian word for flag is gonfalone). In April, even Dodger fans are eyeing a gonfalon.

H is for Hoodoo: Anything about which a player or manager is superstitious, something that brings bad luck, or to create bad luck; synonymous with jinx or whammy. Maybe hearing a duck fart in the dugout equals a hoodoo?

I is for Instant Replay: I couldn’t find this term in my baseball dictionary but it should be there, as well as in Major League Baseball.

J is for Jock-Strap-Sniffing: A derogatory term for a sports writer’s quest for a good story on an otherwise slow day. Nowadays this refers to watching TMZ.

K is for Kentucky Wonder: A pitch thrown close to a batter’s head. Also the mental activities of the Bluegrass state residents had the Kentucky Wildcats not won the NCAA basketball championship last Monday.

L is for a Lady Godiva Pitch: A pitch with nothing on it. As in what 49-year-old Jamie Moyer is throwing in Colorado this season.

M is for Morning Journal: A baseball bat made of inferior wood, often said to have the effectiveness of a rolled-up newspaper. With the demise of newspapers in America, this term has been changed to the Morning Website.

N is for Neck Ball: A ball thrown inside, in the vicinity of the batter’s neck. My neck is so wide that when I played ball in high school, pitches thrown outside were considered neck balls.

O is for Ol’ Rubber Belly: A common nickname for a veteran player with a bulging waistline. See Prince Fielder.

P is for Pebble Hunter: a defensive player, usually an infielder, who picks up real or imaginary pebbles on which to blame his errors. See Miguel Cabrera and Mark Trumbo, two former first basemen trying to learn third base this year.

Q is for Quick Belly Button: The hip action needed to hit line drives. The expression was used by Paul Waner and by the director of JLo’s latest music video which was shown on American Idol this week.

R is for Raftman: A slow outfielder who appears to be paddling a raft rather than running. Also the reason a manager doesn’t put ol’ rubber bellies in the outfield.

S is for Shinburgers: A leg bruise that is commonly inflicted by a bad hop. Or what Trumbo and Cabrera will be eating when they’re not pebble hunting.

T is for Tebeauism: A style of ball playing characterized by rowdyism and fighting, as practiced by Cleveland Spiders manager Patsy Tebeau. Not to be confused with Tebowing, which the hapless Houston Astros will be doing before games this year.

U is for Ukulele hitter: A hitter who hits weak ground balls to the infielders; a poor hitter. Or how I was described in my high-school yearbook.

V is for Voodoo Ball: A nickname for a baseball assembled and stitched in Haiti. I wonder how much hoodoo a bag of voodoo balls can do.

W is for Wild Duck: A bat that leaves the batter’s hands as he swings. It is impossible to hit a duck fart with a wild duck, but can a wild duck, fart?

X is for is X: The symbol used in club standings to indicate that a team has clinched its division title. Also the rating that should be given to JLo’s music video.

Y is for Yannigan: A rookie, not a regular player; a player on the second string in a spring-training game. For years, the Angels have cornered the market on can’t miss bananas and yannigans.

Z is for Zurdo: Spanish for “lefty” or “southpaw.” Also, how I eat when I go to Taco Bell.

Guarding the Empty Tomb

The setting: 2,000 years ago, in a dusty Roman jail cell sit two soldiers, Marcus and Tiberius, awaiting a trial. It is a Monday.

Marcus: How long will they keep us here?

Tiberius: Until this gets sorted out, my friend. The longer the better. A short verdict could mean the end of us. I think the Jewish religious leaders want this taken care of quickly. And quietly.

Marcus: Listen, I know what I saw! I know what happened. I was standing my post, when that man, at least he looked like a man, appeared brilliantly out of nowhere and rolled back that stone …

Tiberius: Shhh! Keep your voice down.

Marcus (in a whisper): Ok, ok, But I saw it happen. And you did too. I know you did. I saw it in your eyes when we reconvened at the barracks.

Tiberius didn’t respond.

Marcus (continuing to whisper): Fine. Stay quiet. I don’t care. I saw it. I was the last to leave. You and the others ran like scared children. I was afraid too, but I hid behind those rocks. I watched what happened next. That man entered the tomb and led the prisoner out. He too was dressed in shinning white robes. There wasn’t a scratch on him.

Tiberius: You mean the “man” carried the prisoner out of the tomb. Like a grave-robber?

Marcus: No, Tiberius, no! He was alive! The prisoner walked out … under his own power. He left without the first man. Then some grieving women arrived. That’s when I ran off. I didn’t want them to see me.

Tiberius: It’s simple. He wasn’t actually dead.

Marcus: Come on! How many of these things have we done? Have we ever taken a prisoner down alive? We kill for a living. I think we know when we’ve got it right. Appius ran him though with his spear. Into his heart. His lungs. That alone would have killed him, without the beating, flogging, and the hours hanging up there.

Tiberius (at first silent, then whispering): He had a following you know. The Jews are going to say that we fell asleep and one of them, or a group of them, came and stole the body.

Marcus: You’re speaking like a fool, Tiberius! We didn’t fall asleep; you and I both know that. It’s grounds for execution. Do you know what I heard? The prisoner actually predicted his death and his resurrection. So if you were a follower of his, would you steal the body?

Tiberius: No, I’d wait to see if he actually came back to life. I wouldn’t remove the body. Without the body there’s no resurrection. Which proves why the Jews wanted us guarding the tomb.

Marcus: Exactly. (He paused). It just doesn’t make sense, I don’t understand …

Tiberius: What do you mean?

Marcus: Well, there’s been a lot of talk. Do you know Gaeus over in company VII? He heard from one of the temple guards who arrested the prisoner that he didn’t even fight his arrest. He went peacefully.

Tiberius: I heard there was a brief skirmish and someone lost an ear. But the prisoner healed it.

Marcus: Yeah, I remember hearing that. But Gaeus also said that he was on guard when Pilate was questioning him.

Tiberius: And?

Marcus: He said that the prisoner didn’t offer any kind of defense. He just stood there and took the accusations like he took all of those lashes and insults and nails.

Tiberius: What a fool. What kind of person willingly accepts his arrest, sentencing, and punishment without defending himself? I can’t respect anyone like that.

Marcus: Maybe the kind of person who was pretty confident that he’d walk out of that tomb alive.

Tiberius: No way. There’s no reason to just give up your life … to … to go through that torture.

Marcus sat without speaking. Then he stood up. Smiling, feeling relaxed and peaceful for the first time since being thrown in this cell: Sure there is.

Tiberius: Well, there’s duty, like a soldier defending Caesar.

Marcus: Maybe, but I don’t think he was defending a king. There’s another reason.

Tiberius (pondering, waiting a moment): What?

Marcus (not worried about noise, almost shouting and laughing at the same time): Tiberius, there’s only one reason! Think about your family, your children!

Tiberius: Love?

Marcus: Yes! That’ the only possible motive.

There was a sudden knock on the door, then it swung open. A quartet of soldiers stood ready. They announced that the verdict was in. It was time to go.

Tiberius: That was quick. This might be the end.

Marcus (smiling from ear to ear as he is led off in chains): No, my friend. I think this is just the beginning.