What Kind of Super Bowl Viewer are You?

Today’s the big game. Super Bowl 49. Seahawks vs. Patriots.

There are three types of Super Bowl viewers. First there’s the Diehard Football Fan (DFF) who actually watches the game and knows in the depths of his soul that it is a meaningful, life-altering sporting event.

Then there is the Casual Observer (CO) who knows a little bit about football but is really more interested in the commercials and the halftime show.

Lastly, there is the Party Goer (PG) who hasn’t watched a minute of football all year and who only cares about the commercials and the halftime show.

As a DFF, I think it best to watch the game with only DFFs on a TV as big as a Winnebago. But wives and girlfriends make this nearly impossible. It might have been possible back in college, if you had no social life and were only friends with other DFFs who were also void of a social life. However, one DFF would typically ruin the purity of the viewing experience by inviting a CO or have, God forbid, a PG girlfriend to invite.

Many people today will be gathered in a friend's or relative's home for the game. In these situations, there is a viewing hierarchy that must be carefully respected. The DFFs claim the couches and chairs closest to the TV. There will probably be a coffee table in the center filled with snacks and red Solo cups. The DFFs have to sit close together so they can dissect each moment of action and high-five each other after every exciting play.

DFFs have to ration their beverage intake because they know they can’t go to the bathroom until halftime. It’s too risky to lose your seat to a CO and have to stand for a series of downs. Also, if a DFF has a CO or a PG for a spouse there will be a secret pact stating that the CO/PG periodically refill the DFF’s plate with nachos, pizza rolls, and little smokies. As payback the CO/PG gets to choose the restaurant for Valentine’s Day.

The COs stand behind the couches, or if they’re lucky enough, they can sit on an armrest. A CO also likes to walk the room and chat with a PG, not caring if he or she misses a play or two. Sometimes a CO will overreact to a play on the field or cheer too loudly at the wrong moment. This will usually draw a chuckle and a raised brow from a DFF. A CO is also a perfect host because he or she can step out to the BBQ and bring in the next round of hot dogs and burgers.

The PGs gather in the back of the room or mingle in the kitchen. They have specially trained ears that know to the millisecond when a commercial break is forthcoming. They then sprint to the CO standing zone vehemently exhorting everyone to shut up. This will annoy the COs because without fail, one will get hip-checked into the ficus tree next to the fireplace. The DFFs will be even more annoyed because the PGs have been drowning out the announcers for the entire game. No DFF in his right mind would ever think of shushing a PG. Talk about the biggest party foul ever. The DFFs have to show restraint, crane their necks, and inch toward the TV like the Millennium Falcon being sucked into the Death Star in order to hear Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth call the game. Most of the time not being able to hear Collinsworth is considered a good thing.

The PGs will watch the commercials in awe and wonder, as if each one was Madison Avenue’s equivalent to The English Patient. Once the game returns, the PGs will swoon back into their areas, Facebooking and Twittering about the masterpieces they just witnessed. The DFFs, glad that the game has resumed, will shake their heads in mock disbelief. But then Marshawn Lynch will break eight tackles en route to a 65-yard touchdown run and the DFFs will hoot, holler, jump round, and dance like they just won the Powerball. They’ll use words like power, grace, speed, and athleticism. They’ll nearly faint. Back in the kitchen, the PGs will shake their heads and raise both eyebrows in mock disbelief.

At halftime, the room's hierarchy will turn with quiet precision. The PGs will take the couches and the DFFs will scatter to the four corners of the house (after using the restroom). The DFFs will check-in with the host CO at the BBQ. They’ll see what’s left to eat in the kitchen or maybe go out to the street and toss the pigskin around with the kids. It’s very important for the DFFs who are married to PGs to take over all kid duties during the halftime concert. This will ensure that there will be a Valentine’s Day to be celebrated.

The second half will be a repeat of the first. But, something magical will occur if the game is close down the stretch. A a hush will overtake the room as one team drives down the field for the winning score. The COs will squeeze into the DFF zone. The PGs will occupy the vacated CO area. As Tom Brady or Russell Wilson hoists one last pass into the end zone everybody in the room will hold their breaths. A transformation will occur. The PGs and the COs will all be DFFs. It will be a room of football viewing perfection. It will last for a mere instant.

The ball will be caught or dropped. Collective shouts of excitement will shake the heavens. The game will end. The group huddled in unity will begin to disperse. And someone, a PG most likely, on her way back to the kitchen will whisper, “That was the best game I’ve ever seen.”

Pats by four.