Subtract the Ads
I’ve just about had it with advertising. This morning I went to put on a shirt that I had just picked up from the cleaners. There was an ad on the hanger. It was wrapped in sturdy cardboard and featured a young, smiling couple and a trio of electric toothbrushes.
Honestly, I don’t understand how advertisers think. Why pay to put your ad on a hanger that is covered up by my shirt and hanging in my closet? Do people really see an ad like that and think, “Man, I really need to take better care of my teeth?” I know I don’t. I don’t switch my brand of shaving cream because Derek Jeter tells me so. I don’t stop at the 7-11 and think that I’m going to be like Mike if I guzzle down a Gatoraide.
Lately, we’ve become inundated with ads. I can go to my local market and see ads on the carts, watch a hanging TV in the produce section, step on ads on the floor, watch more TVs in the checkout line, and my favorite, read the ads on the little plastic stick that divides my groceries from the lady’s in front of me.
I drive about 30 miles to my school where I teach. Along the way, there must be 500 billboards. Eighty-two of which are for the Lapband. In one stretch, there are three Lapband billboards on the west side and two on the east of the freeway within, I’m not kidding, about a 50 yard stretch.
And how about those pesky internet ads? Pop-ups are practically powerless, but now we have those ads that slide across the monitor, or appear magically on the page, covering up what I’m trying to read. Yesterday, I watched one of those cute little videos, you know the one with the cat playing with his owner’s iPad, and at the bottom of the small video screen were some ads for cat food, a vet, and kitty litter.
Yes, I understand that the networks, websites, newspapers, and magazines all get gobs of revenue from advertising so that I can watch my favorite shows and read my periodicals. I agree that there are some really clever commercials and over the years certain jingles and catch-phrases have become popularized into our culture. But why do I have to view the same three ads over and over and over. If you spent any time watching the NCAA basketball tournament, you practically saw the same ads during every break in the action. You know, those fun-loving Vikings playing at the beach and hitting the slopes pushing the a new credit card. All of this leads me to think that the DVR is the greatest single invention since the rolling pizza cutter. What is better than starting a 9:00 pm show at 9:20 and finishing it at 10:00, all the while skipping the 20 minutes of commercials? Brilliant.
Not all the ads are so bad. I think outfield fences look cool with ads. I don’t mind the pre-show ads at the movie theater. And I like ads that are actually informing me about a new product or service, event, or restaurant.
As the saying goes, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So here are my top five ideas for new ad placements.
1. Butts. I would pay people to walk around with my product on their derrières. Just like the old sandwich board days. Joggers, dog-walkers, and people who stroll at the park for exercise. From little butts to silver-screen sized bottoms, it’s a totally untapped market.
2. Pets. Dogs can wear clothing or be wrapped in ads while they’re being walked. Big dogs get more wordage than little dogs. How about a two-for-one deal with a dog and its owner? Imagine what Kirsty Alley could bring in while taking a great dane for a saunter down Sunset Blvd.
3. The center dividers along the freeway. Traffic moves so slowly in LA that War and Peace could be printed on those concrete barriers and morning commuters wouldn’t miss a word.
4. Roads. Often you’ll see “Stop” painted on the concrete at an intersection. Why not print ads on the surface streets? It would give a whole new meaning to “Keep your eyes on the road.”
5. Trucks. This seems so simple. There are more trucks on the 710 freeway alone than stars in Hollywood. If you spend as much time dodging trucks as I do, you’ll notice that most of them are blank or are only labeled with the name of the trucking company. They’re basically a three-sided moving billboard.
I recently discovered that companies will pay people to stick ads on their cars. I think one has to drive a certain distance each week to be eligible. I thought I’d be perfect, since I put about 400 miles on my car each week. However, when I went to the web to do some research, so many moving ads crawled across my screen that I gave up.
I agree about the ads, but the fact is, they actually work. You don't think those companies would lay out that kind of cash for something that doesn't work, do you? Ads don't work by getting everyone to think, "Hey, I'll be like Mike." Some people are affected like that, in fact, a good many people. But for people like you, it's much more subtle. The ads shape and inform your desires and your mental pathways, and thus, shape your feelings about certain producers of certain products. If the companies were taking a loss on their ads, they wouldn't make them. But they're not taking losses, so they must be working.
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