A Menu of Baseball Food Terms

The first month of the baseball season is over. How many of you had the Redsox, Royals, and Rockies off to fast starts?

I made it to a game two weeks ago, joined by a baseball buddy from San Diego. Decades ago, we went to elementary school together in Michigan. I can’t remember if we ever went to Tiger Stadium together as kids, but we’ve seen the Tigers in Anaheim two seasons in a row. Walking around the concourse got me thinking about how much the food selections have changed since those childhood days at Tiger Stadium. I remember going there in the 80s and having to choose between a hotdog and a Coke … and a hotdog, and Coke with a bag of peanuts on the side. Nowadays, ballpark menus not only include a host of fast-food options, but also cheese steaks, tacos, BBQ pork, garlic fries, chicken tenders, salads, Italian sausage, and cheeseburgers.

So, in honor of the all the ballpark mouth-watering options, I have dusted off my baseball dictionary for the second year in a row to bring you the ABCs of baseball food terms:

A is for Apple – The baseball. A batter is an apple-knocker, and the stadium is an apple orchard. However, an apple tree is a verbal symbol for choking, the equivalent to gagging on one’s Adam’s apple. As in Josh “apple tree” Hamilton.

B is for Banana Oil – A mythical solver of all problems on and off the field. The Yankees have had so many key injuries that they’re selling banana oil at home games in vials shaped like Vernon Wells.

C is for Cantelopes – A pitched ball that looks big to the batter. Or what American Idol judge Randy Jackson sees when he looks both left and right.

D is for Doughnut – The circular weight that batters use in the on-deck circle. Or what Prince Fielder eats between innings.

E is for Egg Feast – A low scoring game with plenty of “goose eggs” on the scoreboard. Imagine a game between Justin Verlander and Felix Hernandez.

F is for Fatted Calf – A player who is not in good physical condition. At 300 lbs. Reds hurler Jonathan Broxton is currently baseball’s heaviest Fatted Calf.

G is for Ginger – The zest, pep, vigor, or fighting spirit of a player. The Angels, Dodgers, Nats, Giants, Jays, and Reds need some Costco-sized containers of ginger if they’re going to make good on all those playoff predictions.

H is for High Wine – Rubbing alcohol for a pitcher’s arm or what fans drink in the upper decks of stadiums in California.

I is for Icing – A synonym for insurance runs. The Angels bullpen is so bad that that they’ve called up Flo and a funny accented gecko to try to stop their opponent’s flow of insurance runs.

J is for Jam and Jelly – Pitchers get in a jam, and they jam batters with inside fastballs. Batters get jelly-legs when their knees buckle after being fooled by a curve ball.

K is for Kitchen – An area of a batter’s torso inside or at the edge of the strike zone. Today’s hitters stand so close to the plate that the Kitchen is now in the opposite batter’s box.

L is for Lettuce and Tomato Hitter – A weak hitter with no power. Houston’s lineup this year resembles a full-sized salad bar.

M is for Muffin – An unskilled or ineffective player. The minimum salary for a player in 2013 is $490,000. So even the muffins get to make a lot of dough.

N is for Near-Beer Pitcher – A pitcher who generates a lot of 3-2 counts. When Prohibition was repealed, the first beer was a drink with a 3.2 alcoholic content and it was referred to as “3.2” rather than “beer”. Lefty O’Doul is probably is most well-known Near-Beer Pitcher.

O is for Onion Picker – An antiquated term for a third baseman or an outfielder.

P is for Pie Thrower – A pitcher who holds his palm too far under the ball rather than having his fingers on top of it.

Q is for Quail – A synonym for a dying quail, a pop fly that drops suddenly and unexpectedly. My all-time favorite Quail is the one hit by Arizona’s Luis Gonzalez to win the 2001 World Series against the Yankees.

R is for Reuben’s Rule – The legal decision that allowed fans to keep foul balls. On May 16, 1921, New York Giants fan Reuben Berman refused to give back a foul ball and was removed from the Polo Grounds. He sued the Giants for mental and physical distress and won the court case, plus $100.

S is for Spaghetti baseball – Baseball played in Italy. Back in the day, great grandma Gervasi was quite the (pizza) pie thrower.

T is for Take a Drink – To strike out. Strike outs are piling up like crazy. The last eight months of baseball have been the eight biggest strike-out months in the history of the game. Joe DiMaggio never struck out 40 times in a season. In April three players struck out 40 times for the month: Mike Napoli, Chris Carter, and Jay Bruce. Last year more players K’d 100 times (111), than did from 1901 to 1967 (110) combined.

V is for Vanilla – Said of a team without vitality. See the Los Angeles Vanilla Angels of Anaheim.

W is for Wild Duck – A bat that leaves the batter’s hands as he swings and that goes flying toward the infield, foul territory, or the stands. California ballparks have banned Wild Ducks in accordance with the state’s foie gras law.

Thankfully, we can still get our High Wine with our hotdogs and peanuts.