Guarding the Empty Tomb

The setting: 2,000 years ago, in a dusty Roman jail cell sit two soldiers, Marcus and Tiberius, awaiting a trial. It is a Monday.

Marcus: How long will they keep us here?

Tiberius: Until this gets sorted out, my friend. The longer the better. A short verdict could mean the end of us. I think the Jewish religious leaders want this taken care of quickly. And quietly.

Marcus: Listen, I know what I saw! I know what happened. I was standing my post, when that man, at least he looked like a man, appeared brilliantly out of nowhere and rolled back that stone …

Tiberius: Shhh! Keep your voice down.

Marcus (in a whisper): Ok, ok, But I saw it happen. And you did too. I know you did. I saw it in your eyes when we reconvened at the barracks.

Tiberius didn’t respond.

Marcus (continuing to whisper): Fine. Stay quiet. I don’t care. I saw it. I was the last to leave. You and the others ran like scared children. I was afraid too, but I hid behind those rocks. I watched what happened next. That man entered the tomb and led the prisoner out. He too was dressed in shinning white robes. There wasn’t a scratch on him.

Tiberius: You mean the “man” carried the prisoner out of the tomb. Like a grave-robber?

Marcus: No, Tiberius, no! He was alive! The prisoner walked out … under his own power. He left without the first man. Then some grieving women arrived. That’s when I ran off. I didn’t want them to see me.

Tiberius: It’s simple. He wasn’t actually dead.

Marcus: Come on! How many of these things have we done? Have we ever taken a prisoner down alive? We kill for a living. I think we know when we’ve got it right. Appius ran him though with his spear. Into his heart. His lungs. That alone would have killed him, without the beating, flogging, and the hours hanging up there.

Tiberius (at first silent, then whispering): He had a following you know. The Jews are going to say that we fell asleep and one of them, or a group of them, came and stole the body.

Marcus: You’re speaking like a fool, Tiberius! We didn’t fall asleep; you and I both know that. It’s grounds for execution. Do you know what I heard? The prisoner actually predicted his death and his resurrection. So if you were a follower of his, would you steal the body?

Tiberius: No, I’d wait to see if he actually came back to life. I wouldn’t remove the body. Without the body there’s no resurrection. Which proves why the Jews wanted us guarding the tomb.

Marcus: Exactly. (He paused). It just doesn’t make sense, I don’t understand …

Tiberius: What do you mean?

Marcus: Well, there’s been a lot of talk. Do you know Gaeus over in company VII? He heard from one of the temple guards who arrested the prisoner that he didn’t even fight his arrest. He went peacefully.

Tiberius: I heard there was a brief skirmish and someone lost an ear. But the prisoner healed it.

Marcus: Yeah, I remember hearing that. But Gaeus also said that he was on guard when Pilate was questioning him.

Tiberius: And?

Marcus: He said that the prisoner didn’t offer any kind of defense. He just stood there and took the accusations like he took all of those lashes and insults and nails.

Tiberius: What a fool. What kind of person willingly accepts his arrest, sentencing, and punishment without defending himself? I can’t respect anyone like that.

Marcus: Maybe the kind of person who was pretty confident that he’d walk out of that tomb alive.

Tiberius: No way. There’s no reason to just give up your life … to … to go through that torture.

Marcus sat without speaking. Then he stood up. Smiling, feeling relaxed and peaceful for the first time since being thrown in this cell: Sure there is.

Tiberius: Well, there’s duty, like a soldier defending Caesar.

Marcus: Maybe, but I don’t think he was defending a king. There’s another reason.

Tiberius (pondering, waiting a moment): What?

Marcus (not worried about noise, almost shouting and laughing at the same time): Tiberius, there’s only one reason! Think about your family, your children!

Tiberius: Love?

Marcus: Yes! That’ the only possible motive.

There was a sudden knock on the door, then it swung open. A quartet of soldiers stood ready. They announced that the verdict was in. It was time to go.

Tiberius: That was quick. This might be the end.

Marcus (smiling from ear to ear as he is led off in chains): No, my friend. I think this is just the beginning.

Mascot Match-ups

The ball goes up …

Ahh, March Madness. I simply love it. Cinderella upsets. The Road to the Final Four. Bracketology. Slippers. The big dance. Three weekends of total sports craziness, drama, and suspense.

Over the last few years my devotion to college basketball’s regular season has waned. But once the tournament starts, I become a hoops junkie, following the tournament as I have been since first watching Larry Bird and Magic Johnson’s epic encounter in 1979. The tournament makes me want to run around and quote my favorite announcer Bill Raftery … “A little kiss off the tin …”. I want to hug Vern Lundquist. I order food like I’m the annoying Dick Vitale, “Yes, I’d like some fries with that, BABEEE!!” I thank God every night that Billy “Good call Ref” Packer has retired.

My interest in the regular season has dropped so much that I haven’t filled out a bracket in years. I’ve always been horrible at picking a winning bracket. Usually, I’d end up setting it on fire by the end of the tourney’s fourth day.

But this year, I’m going back to the bracket, only I’ve filled it out a bit unconventionally. I’ve decided to base all of my picks on which school’s mascot would win a battle against the other team’s mascot.

Here are the rules and some first-round examples:

1. Animal vs. Animal: The meaner animal wins. Toughest first-round match-up has to be the Michigan Wolverines vs. the Ohio Bobcats. Wolverines are quiet fierce, plus they devour anything from Ohio. Michigan wins.

2. Person with weapon vs. Animal: Weaponry wins out. For example a gun-toting UNLV Rebel easily defeats a Colorado Buffalo.

3. Person vs. Person: This is a tricky match-up. If weapons are involved, give that mascot the edge. Quirkiest first-round battle is between the Purdue Boilermakers and the Saint Mary’s Gaels. The Gaels sounds about as tough as choirboy. At least Notre Dame’s Irish can fight. Give the win to the Boilermakers. They have tools. Like a big wrench.

4. Animal vs. Person without a weapon: This one depends on the match-up. (See second round).

5. Mythical creatures vs. Animals: gotta go with anything mythical. In the first round, the Kentucky Wildcats become the first No. 1 seed ever to lose its first game, succumbing to the Mississippi Valley Delta Devils.

6. Forces of Nature. Who’s gonna deal with an act of God? The Iowa State Cyclones storm past the UConn Huskies.

7. All teams with colors for a mascot or some unidentifiably bogus name automatically lose in the first round, i.e. Orange, Crimson, Crimson Tide, Hoosiers, Shockers, Tar Heels, Billikens, and Buckeyes. Hardest matchup was the Hoosiers vs. the Aggies. Don’t Aggies farm? So they must have pitchforks and shovels. Down go the Hoosiers. Whatever they are.

After the first round, my bracket is shot. Six No. 1 and No. 2 seeds are out as only the Michigan State Spartans and the Blue Devils of Duke survive.

The second round provided some difficult picks with a battle of birds between the Lamar Cardinals and the Creighton Blue Jays. It’s a toss-up, but Blue Jays have bigger beaks and they peck the heck out of the Cardinals. Also, my 49ers of Long Beach State got mauled by the Davidson Wildcats. (Rule No. 4 above). I could see a gold-mining prospector defeating a bird or bulldog with his pick and shovel, but a Wildcat? No gold for these 49ers.

Only the fittest mascots survived to the Elite Eight. I’ve got the Cyclones, the Blue Devils, the Spartans of Michigan State, the Virginia Cavaliers, the Commodores of Vanderbilt, the Mountaineers of West Virginia, the Wolverines, and the University of Detroit Titans.

The Regional Finals are brutal. The Cyclones sweep away Duke. The Cavaliers shoot down the Spartans and the Titans slay the Wolverines. The toughest game was between the Commodores and the Mountaineers. They both carried weapons into the battle, but the rifles of the Mountaineers were no match for the swords of the Commodores.

In the Final Four, the Cyclones beat the Cavaliers and the Titans imposed their wrath on the Mountaineers, setting up a deciding game between Iowa State and Detroit.

In the final, the Greek gods picked up their first win since their loss to the Olympians, sending the Cyclones home, out of breath and wet behind the ears.

Hey, it could happen. Dick Vitale used to coach at the University of Detroit and took his team to the tourney in 1977. Maybe if Detroit really won it all, Dickie V would join Billy Packer in retirement.

Let the games begin!

Happy Presidents' Day

Washington couldn’t tell a lie,
Adams croaked on the 4^th of July.
Jefferson had Lewis and Clark for confidants,
Little James Madison liked to wear the pants.
Monroe thought doctrine was cool and hip,
John Q. Adams took a regular skinny dip.
Jackson paid the debt to perfection,
Van Buren lost thrice for reelection.
Harrison only served 30 days,
Tyler lost his Whiggy ways.
Polk expanded the country west,
Taylor loved his horse the best.
Fillmore bought the White House books,
Pierce brought heat to its rooms and nooks.
Buchanan never took a bride,
Abe was honored far and wide.
Johnson felt impeachment’s gloom,
Grant wondered who was in his tomb.
Hayes was the first to visit the west.
Garfield took one in the chest.
Arthur was a man about town,
Cleveland had 414 bills vetoed down.
Harrison was overcome with grief,
Grover returned to become the chief.
McKinley died from an assassin’s gun,
Roosevelt craved the love of everyone.
Taft was too big for the White House tubs,
Wilson was handy with the ol’ golf clubs.
Harding’s nightmare was the Teapot Dome,
Coolidge napped each day at home.
Hoover opened Depression’s door,
FDR led through the Second World War.
Truman put Japan in shock,
Ike sent the troops to Little Rock.
Kennedy wrote with a Pulitzer’s knowledge,
Johnson graduated from a teacher’s college.
Nixon said he wasn’t a crook,
Ford then got Dickie off the hook.
Carter rode the farmer’s tractor,
Reagan was an old-time movie’s actor.
Bush Senior said, “No new taxes,”
Clinton liked to play the saxes.
George Junior chased Osama’s tush,
Obama puts all the blame on Bush.