Mascot Match-ups

The ball goes up …

Ahh, March Madness. I simply love it. Cinderella upsets. The Road to the Final Four. Bracketology. Slippers. The big dance. Three weekends of total sports craziness, drama, and suspense.

Over the last few years my devotion to college basketball’s regular season has waned. But once the tournament starts, I become a hoops junkie, following the tournament as I have been since first watching Larry Bird and Magic Johnson’s epic encounter in 1979. The tournament makes me want to run around and quote my favorite announcer Bill Raftery … “A little kiss off the tin …”. I want to hug Vern Lundquist. I order food like I’m the annoying Dick Vitale, “Yes, I’d like some fries with that, BABEEE!!” I thank God every night that Billy “Good call Ref” Packer has retired.

My interest in the regular season has dropped so much that I haven’t filled out a bracket in years. I’ve always been horrible at picking a winning bracket. Usually, I’d end up setting it on fire by the end of the tourney’s fourth day.

But this year, I’m going back to the bracket, only I’ve filled it out a bit unconventionally. I’ve decided to base all of my picks on which school’s mascot would win a battle against the other team’s mascot.

Here are the rules and some first-round examples:

1. Animal vs. Animal: The meaner animal wins. Toughest first-round match-up has to be the Michigan Wolverines vs. the Ohio Bobcats. Wolverines are quiet fierce, plus they devour anything from Ohio. Michigan wins.

2. Person with weapon vs. Animal: Weaponry wins out. For example a gun-toting UNLV Rebel easily defeats a Colorado Buffalo.

3. Person vs. Person: This is a tricky match-up. If weapons are involved, give that mascot the edge. Quirkiest first-round battle is between the Purdue Boilermakers and the Saint Mary’s Gaels. The Gaels sounds about as tough as choirboy. At least Notre Dame’s Irish can fight. Give the win to the Boilermakers. They have tools. Like a big wrench.

4. Animal vs. Person without a weapon: This one depends on the match-up. (See second round).

5. Mythical creatures vs. Animals: gotta go with anything mythical. In the first round, the Kentucky Wildcats become the first No. 1 seed ever to lose its first game, succumbing to the Mississippi Valley Delta Devils.

6. Forces of Nature. Who’s gonna deal with an act of God? The Iowa State Cyclones storm past the UConn Huskies.

7. All teams with colors for a mascot or some unidentifiably bogus name automatically lose in the first round, i.e. Orange, Crimson, Crimson Tide, Hoosiers, Shockers, Tar Heels, Billikens, and Buckeyes. Hardest matchup was the Hoosiers vs. the Aggies. Don’t Aggies farm? So they must have pitchforks and shovels. Down go the Hoosiers. Whatever they are.

After the first round, my bracket is shot. Six No. 1 and No. 2 seeds are out as only the Michigan State Spartans and the Blue Devils of Duke survive.

The second round provided some difficult picks with a battle of birds between the Lamar Cardinals and the Creighton Blue Jays. It’s a toss-up, but Blue Jays have bigger beaks and they peck the heck out of the Cardinals. Also, my 49ers of Long Beach State got mauled by the Davidson Wildcats. (Rule No. 4 above). I could see a gold-mining prospector defeating a bird or bulldog with his pick and shovel, but a Wildcat? No gold for these 49ers.

Only the fittest mascots survived to the Elite Eight. I’ve got the Cyclones, the Blue Devils, the Spartans of Michigan State, the Virginia Cavaliers, the Commodores of Vanderbilt, the Mountaineers of West Virginia, the Wolverines, and the University of Detroit Titans.

The Regional Finals are brutal. The Cyclones sweep away Duke. The Cavaliers shoot down the Spartans and the Titans slay the Wolverines. The toughest game was between the Commodores and the Mountaineers. They both carried weapons into the battle, but the rifles of the Mountaineers were no match for the swords of the Commodores.

In the Final Four, the Cyclones beat the Cavaliers and the Titans imposed their wrath on the Mountaineers, setting up a deciding game between Iowa State and Detroit.

In the final, the Greek gods picked up their first win since their loss to the Olympians, sending the Cyclones home, out of breath and wet behind the ears.

Hey, it could happen. Dick Vitale used to coach at the University of Detroit and took his team to the tourney in 1977. Maybe if Detroit really won it all, Dickie V would join Billy Packer in retirement.

Let the games begin!