Civil Lefts

“Oh there ain’t no other way,

Baby I was born this way” – Lady Gaga

I’m tired of being a minority and I’m fed up with the discrimination against people like me. I’ve had it with living in a country where my rights are going unrecognized. Today I went to my local postal store where I had to use a pen, attached with a chain, to the wrong side of the counter. The chain was too short. So, I had to precariously contort the pen and my envelope without knocking the display of bookmarks and miniflashlights to the floor. I’m sick of adapting to a world that ignores me for who I am and for how I was made:

Left-handed.

Since our government is doling out civil rights, it’s time for action. I want my civil rights too. And I’m not stopping until I have them …even if I have to go all the way to the Supreme Court of the United States.

This is a serious matter and I’m not making light of the necessary changes we’ve made as a society. But if handicapped people can have ramps and blind people can have those little raised bumps on corner intersections, then I want left and right chained pens at banks and postal stores.

Go ahead and laugh. Now head to the kitchen and try to open a can of soup. But do it left-handed. Put the can opener in your left hand and twist the knob with your right. See what I mean? Then take a pair of scissors and attempt to cut something left-handed. Good luck. Welcome to my world.

Over ten percent of the population is left-handed. And yet the difficulties we face living in a right-handed world are virtually ignored. The constant ink smears on our hands from writing over what’s already been written. Elbow jousting with dinner companions and battling with spiral notebooks or three-ring binders.

Being left-handed in a right-handed world is psychologically harmful. I still have nightmares from the college lecture halls and classrooms where the ameba-shaped writing surface was attached on the right. While my right-handed classmates listened comfortably, I had to take notes sitting sidesaddle in my desk, with my palm balanced on the spiral binding of my notebook, and my pinky finger smeared with ink.

Even the love of my life discriminates against me. In baseball, three infield positions require right-handed fielders. I’ve never known the intensity of playing third base. Nor have I turned a double play as a shortstop or second baseman.

Left-handers, according to many sources, may die as many as nine years earlier than right-handers. I need my civil rights before my life and health insurance companies prematurely cancel my policies.

Then there’s the stigma that lefties before me have endured. For instance:

• At various times in history, left-handedness has been seen as a nasty habit, a mark of the devil, a sign of neurosis, rebellion, and criminality.

• The word left in English comes from the Anglo-Saxon word lyft, which means weak or broken. The Oxford English Dictionary defines left-handed as meaning crippled, defective, awkward, and clumsy.

• Phrases in English suggest a negative view of left-handedness. For example, a “left-handed complement” is actually an insult.

• The German for “left-handed’ is linkisch, which means awkward, clumsy, and maladroit. In Italian, the word is mancino, which is derived from “crooked” or “maimed” (mancus) and is also used to mean deceitful or dishonest. In Russian, to be called a left-hander (levja) is a term of insult;

• In Latin, the word for left is sinister, related to the noun sinistrum.

Only the Incas had things in proper perspective. They thought left-handers were capable of healing and that they possessed magical abilities. No wonder I enjoyed Machu Picchu so much.

It’s time for change! In addition to the aforementioned pen issue, my civil rights demands are as follows:

• Left-handed scissors and can openers in every home.
• More notebooks with the spiral on the right or the top.
• Three-ring binders for lefties.
• All schools and universities be required to install more left-handed desks.
• The invention of non-smearing ink, pencil lead, and markers.
• Left-handed credit-card machines in all stores.
• Microwaves and keyboards with the buttons and numbers on the left.

Public awareness is going to be essential. Hollywood and the entertainment industry must get on board. The upcoming movie Southpaw is a good start. I think some biopics on prominent historical figures like Henry Ford, Albert Einstein, Beethoven, Marie Curie, DaVinci, and Michaelangelo are a must. The fact that they were all left-handed needs to overshadow their musical, artistic, scientific, and industrial achievements. I’ll also need a symbol, a flag, and a color that can be easily recognized and identified with my cause. I’m open to suggestions here.

Our Supreme Court has two left-handed judges (Ginsburg and Kennedy) so I think my case will be heard. If that doesn’t work I’ll have to meet with the Southpaw in Chief. President Obama must take up the cause of all lefties and guarantee my civil rights before he leaves office.

I’ve always been deeply proud of my left-handedness. It’s a badge of honor and membership in a private club.  And even if I can’t be a middle-infielder, at least I’m a step or two closer to first base when at the plate.

I don’t have equality with right-handers yet. But change will come. In the meantime, I’ll be working on my Machu Picchu hocus-pocus and my Incan-tations.