No World Cup Fever Here

A watched pot never boils. And a watched soccer match never thrills. The other day I discovered the only thing worse than soccer on TV: soccer on the radio. “An exciting soccer game” is my all-time favorite oxymoron.

As you may have guessed, I do not have World Cup Fever.

I hope team USA can break their two-game winless streak that allowed them to advance to the knockout round and defeat Belgium today. The patriotism and the support that America has mustered for team USA over the last two weeks have been awesome. Which shows that Americans will show up to drink and watch anything “competitive” on TV. Too bad Team USA doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Brazil to win. If the Battle of Little Bighorn could have been televised, ESPN would have bought the rights and sent Chris Berman and Stuart Scott to call the massacre. Talk about the group of death. General Custer had better odds of surviving than we do in Brazil. The Chicago Cubs winning a World Series sounds more plausible than America winning a World Cup.

It’s great that 5/6^th of the world plays nothing but soccer. All sports teach life skills and promote health and fitness. I know that kids all over the globe grow up playing soccer. I get it. They don’t have money for football or baseball equipment. Basketball is pretty tough if you don’t have a ball that can be bounced. And I don’t see hockey taking off in the Ivory Coast anytime soon. But somebody needs to tell these kids that kickball is much more exciting than soccer! They can still use their feet. And, they don’t have to do all that running that soccer requires. Plus, they can catch and throw the ball too! There’s a reason it’s called, “eye-hand coordination.”

Somehow I grew up without the soccer gene. Possibly it’s because I spent a few formative years in a soccer-less dairy region of rural Michigan. Think cow pastures instead of soccer fields. Maybe after moving to the “big city” my local suburban community didn’t have a youth soccer program. Or perhaps we did and my dad secretly kept me from playing so he wouldn’t have to attend all of the practices and games. He may have wanted me to focus solely on baseball with dreams of me becoming a lefty relief specialist in the big leagues. When I got to junior high, soccer was the premiere fall sport at the school I attended (we didn’t have a football team). The head varsity soccer coach and ex-marine drill sergeant, Bob Newman, saw my speed and agility and begged me to play on the 8^th-grade soccer team. So I did. It wasn’t much fun (too much running) and I didn’t feel like I was all that good. My one memory from that season is of me chasing down a ball deep my offensive end. The opposing defenseman beat me to the spot. And as I slowed down to try to take the ball from him and make a Pele-esque move toward the goal, he spun around and booted the ball directly into my Brazil nuts. Thus ending my soccer career. As if junior high isn’t painful enough.

I think my stunted soccer gene could also be due to the fact that U.S. soccer team was pretty much the Detroit Lions of global futbol for 40 years. The U.S. team failed to qualify for the World Cup from 1950 to 1990. Having something to root for as kid might have helped. Maybe the Lions need to hire a German coach?

Not only is soccer deathly boring, but it’s just too different from every other sport. Which is why Abner Doubleday, Dr. James Naismith, and the guys who invented football and hockey were so brilliant. I don’t like all the backward kicking. In most sports, the idea is to move the action forward. But in soccer the players continually kick the ball backward, either to the defensemen or to the goalkeeper. Yeah, I know there’s some kind of strategy going on that only the trained eye can behold. Great. To me it’s just a giant game of keep-away. A worldwide tournament of “Monkey in the Middle” sounds more fun. Also, I don’t like the offsides rules. There needs to be some kind of blue line like in hockey. I don’t like the flopping, and arbitrary enforcement of the tripping rule (just ask Mexico about that one). I don’t like the stoppage time and the power the almighty ref has to add more minutes to the game. Imagine a football referee randomly deciding to put more time on the clock.

Obviously, soccer isn’t my cup of tea or Brazilian dark-roasted coffee. But I do love sports and I love my country. I go crazy for both the summer and winter Olympics. So, to be honest, I’m trying to give this whole World Cup thing a try. Once in a while, mixed in between the biting, flopping, tripping, and whining to the ref (there’s more arms raised in a soccer match than in a charismatic church service), something beautiful will happen. Yesterday, I saw the Germans drive the ball upfield in a succession of crisp passes and score in about four seconds. It was impressive. But one sweet play in a 90-minute match has not led to my conversion.

I know there’s a lot to appreciate about soccer: the continual movement and lack of timeouts and commercials. Physical endurance, ball-handling skills, and the players’ willingness to smack the ball with their heads to name a few. But, I won’t be bummed when this whole tournament is over. When it is, we’ll be able to focus our attention to really exciting things.

Like the homerun derby.