The first month of the baseball
season is over. How many of you had the Redsox, Royals, and Rockies off to fast
starts?
I made it to a game two weeks
ago, joined by a baseball buddy from San Diego. Decades ago, we went to
elementary school together in Michigan. I can’t remember if we ever went to
Tiger Stadium together as kids, but we’ve seen the Tigers in Anaheim two
seasons in a row. Walking around the concourse got me thinking about how much
the food selections have changed since those childhood days at Tiger Stadium. I
remember going there in the 80s and having to choose between a hotdog and a
Coke … and a hotdog, and Coke with a bag of peanuts on the side. Nowadays,
ballpark menus not only include a host of fast-food options, but also cheese
steaks, tacos, BBQ pork, garlic fries, chicken tenders, salads, Italian
sausage, and cheeseburgers.
So, in honor of the all the
ballpark mouth-watering options, I have dusted off my baseball dictionary for
the second year in a row to bring you the ABCs of baseball food terms:
A is for Apple – The baseball. A
batter is an apple-knocker, and the
stadium is an apple orchard. However,
an apple tree is a verbal symbol for choking, the equivalent to gagging on
one’s Adam’s apple. As in Josh “apple tree” Hamilton.
B is for Banana Oil – A mythical
solver of all problems on and off the field. The Yankees have had so many key
injuries that they’re selling banana oil at home games in vials shaped like
Vernon Wells.
C is for Cantelopes – A pitched
ball that looks big to the batter. Or what American Idol judge Randy Jackson
sees when he looks both left and right.
D is for Doughnut – The circular
weight that batters use in the on-deck circle. Or what Prince Fielder eats
between innings.
E is for Egg Feast – A low
scoring game with plenty of “goose eggs” on the scoreboard. Imagine a game
between Justin Verlander and Felix Hernandez.
F is for Fatted Calf – A player who
is not in good physical condition. At 300 lbs. Reds hurler Jonathan Broxton is currently
baseball’s heaviest Fatted Calf.
G is for Ginger – The zest, pep,
vigor, or fighting spirit of a player. The Angels, Dodgers, Nats, Giants, Jays,
and Reds need some Costco-sized containers of ginger if they’re going to make
good on all those playoff predictions.
H is for High Wine – Rubbing
alcohol for a pitcher’s arm or what fans drink in the upper decks of stadiums
in California.
I is for Icing – A synonym for
insurance runs. The Angels bullpen is so bad that that they’ve called up Flo
and a funny accented gecko to try to stop their opponent’s flow of insurance
runs.
J is for Jam and Jelly – Pitchers
get in a jam, and they jam batters with inside fastballs. Batters get
jelly-legs when their knees buckle after being fooled by a curve ball.
K is for Kitchen – An area of a
batter’s torso inside or at the edge of the strike zone. Today’s hitters stand
so close to the plate that the Kitchen is now in the opposite batter’s box.
L is for Lettuce and Tomato
Hitter – A weak hitter with no power. Houston’s lineup this year resembles a
full-sized salad bar.
M is for Muffin – An unskilled or
ineffective player. The minimum salary for a player in 2013 is $490,000. So
even the muffins get to make a lot of dough.
N is for Near-Beer Pitcher – A
pitcher who generates a lot of 3-2 counts. When Prohibition was repealed, the
first beer was a drink with a 3.2 alcoholic content and it was referred to as “3.2”
rather than “beer”. Lefty O’Doul is probably is most well-known Near-Beer
Pitcher.
O is for Onion Picker – An
antiquated term for a third baseman or an outfielder.
P is for Pie Thrower – A pitcher
who holds his palm too far under the ball rather than having his fingers on top
of it.
Q is for Quail – A synonym for a
dying quail, a pop fly that drops suddenly and unexpectedly. My all-time
favorite Quail is the one hit by Arizona’s Luis Gonzalez to win the 2001 World
Series against the Yankees.
R is for Reuben’s Rule – The legal
decision that allowed fans to keep foul balls. On May 16, 1921, New York Giants
fan Reuben Berman refused to give back a foul ball and was removed from the
Polo Grounds. He sued the Giants for mental and physical distress and won the court
case, plus $100.
S is for Spaghetti baseball –
Baseball played in Italy. Back in the day, great grandma Gervasi was quite the (pizza)
pie thrower.
T is for Take a Drink – To strike
out. Strike outs are piling up like crazy. The last eight months of baseball
have been the eight biggest strike-out months in the history of the game. Joe
DiMaggio never struck out 40 times in a season. In April three players struck
out 40 times for the month: Mike Napoli, Chris Carter, and Jay Bruce. Last year
more players K’d 100 times (111), than did from 1901 to 1967 (110) combined.
V is for Vanilla – Said of a team
without vitality. See the Los Angeles Vanilla Angels of Anaheim.
W is for Wild Duck – A bat that
leaves the batter’s hands as he swings and that goes flying toward the infield,
foul territory, or the stands. California ballparks have banned Wild Ducks in
accordance with the state’s foie gras law.
Thankfully, we can still get our
High Wine with our hotdogs and peanuts.
