Going Back To School to Balance the Budget

Put your thinking caps on, ladies and gentlemen. I have a pop-quiz for you.

1.     Name the occupation where employees:

·        Use old and slow computers that were made before Vista was a twinkle in Bill Gates’ eye

·        Do their own tech support because there is no such thing as an on-site IT department

·        Do not have an expense account, but instead pay for many of their own supplies

·        Will have 10 unpaid days during the next year

·        Had four days worth of salary removed from July’s paycheck

·        Hope that the sales efforts of an unpaid, under-aged workforce  can augment a dwindling worksite operating budget

·        Have enough clerical work to keep a personal assistant busy all day

·        Have one’s job performance scrutinized in the local newspaper

Your answer choices are A) Business person; B) Sales person; C) Teacher for LAUSD; D) Politician.

If you chose C) Teacher for LAUSD, you are correct!

In the above question, I didn’t even mention the thousands of teachers, nurses, counselors, librarians, secretaries, and custodians who have been laid off over the last few years. Nor did I cite the lack of overtime pay, the number of years I’ve gone without a raise, or the fact that I bring my personal laptop to school because it’s faster and more reliable. I’m not writing to complain about my salary. I didn’t become a teacher to get rich. But I am shocked at the dire financial state of my school district.

Classes just started and my school is already mobilizing its fundraising workforce – the children. On Monday, the 5^th day of class, we had our first fundraising assembly. The students (I mean their parents) will be hitting the streets to peddle wrapping paper and an assortment of other holiday and non-holiday goods from the folks at Charleston Wrap (charlestonwrap.com). It’s the first of two major fundraisers we do every year.

My school will receive half of the money earned from the wrapping paper. That total will then be split with the PTO since an army of moms are needed to oversee the orders and the distribution of the goods. The money is used for anything from copy paper to field trips. There are tons of prizes and incentives for the kids such as trips to Knott’s Berry Farm and a limousine lunch with your friends.

I think the federal government should take a fundraising lesson from our public schools. I think it’s the perfect solution to the budget crisis. It was announced the other day that the deficit will soon reach 1.1 trillion dollars. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for the government to stop spending more than it hauls in, but with some simple school-style fundraising, it can begin to generate a lot more revenue.

So, here’s how I’d get it done. I’d start by using a two-pronged workforce. Those census workers need to stop counting and start selling. Hell, they only work every 10 years anyway. Secondly, anybody receiving unemployment has plenty of time to go door-to-door and make a few phone calls and begin earning some of that money they’re receiving. There are plenty of products out there that can be sold beside the aforementioned wrapping paper: chocolate, candles, kitchen supplies, jewelry, and makeup. Anything that comes with a catalog and a pyramid marketing scheme is fair game until we get this deficit under control.

Congress could also take a page out of the Girls Scouts of America handbook. Just think how much money can be made if those cookies were available year round. So, the Feds can sell the cookies and give the Girl Scouts a percentage of the dough. Then those pint-sized, avocado-uniformed young ladies can get back to more important things, like selling wrapping paper for their schools.

While we’re at it, I don’t see why the government can’t sponsor a few fun-runs and walk-a-thons. Think about how much money could be made if every homeless person worked in a government-sponsored car wash one Saturday morning a month. The local high school track team and cheerleading squad can work the other weekends! Bake sales will have to be out, though. All we need is someone to get sick from too much gluten in their brownies and sue the government. Talk about unproductive.

Americans are amazing at raising money and we are even more generous to dish it out. It’s time to cut back on the money given to all the disease research societies and disaster victims. I know this sounds harsh, but it’s not for good, just until the budget is balanced. Think of Uncle Sam as the crazy relative from up north who needs to borrow a few bucks. And it’s not a total donation; you’ll be getting some sweet wrapping paper and some delicious cookies in the process.

Just think, thanks to some good-ol’-fashioned fundraising, we can get the deficit erased in no time. And then, with a balanced budget, the government can start spending more wisely. Like putting more money into education so I can get a classroom computer that works.