Put your thinking caps on, ladies and gentlemen. I
have a pop-quiz for you.
1.
Name the
occupation where employees:
·
Use old and slow computers
that were made before Vista was a twinkle in Bill Gates’ eye
·
Do their own tech
support because there is no such thing as an on-site IT department
·
Do not have an
expense account, but instead pay for many of their own supplies
·
Will have 10
unpaid days during the next year
·
Had four days
worth of salary removed from July’s paycheck
·
Hope that the
sales efforts of an unpaid, under-aged workforce can augment a dwindling worksite operating
budget
·
Have enough clerical
work to keep a personal assistant busy all day
·
Have one’s job
performance scrutinized in the local newspaper
Your answer choices are A) Business person; B) Sales
person; C) Teacher for LAUSD; D) Politician.
If you chose C) Teacher for LAUSD, you are correct!
In the above question, I didn’t even mention the
thousands of teachers, nurses, counselors, librarians, secretaries, and
custodians who have been laid off over the last few years. Nor did I cite the
lack of overtime pay, the number of years I’ve gone without a raise, or the
fact that I bring my personal laptop to school because it’s faster and more
reliable. I’m not writing to complain about my salary. I didn’t become a
teacher to get rich. But I am shocked at the dire financial state of my school
district.
Classes just started and my school is already mobilizing
its fundraising workforce – the children. On Monday, the 5th day of
class, we had our first fundraising assembly. The students (I mean their
parents) will be hitting the streets to peddle wrapping paper and an assortment
of other holiday and non-holiday goods from the folks at Charleston Wrap
(charlestonwrap.com). It’s the first of two major fundraisers we do every year.
My school will receive half of the money earned from
the wrapping paper. That total will then be split with the PTO since an army of
moms are needed to oversee the orders and the distribution of the goods. The
money is used for anything from copy paper to field trips. There are tons of
prizes and incentives for the kids such as trips to Knott’s Berry Farm and a limousine
lunch with your friends.
I think the federal government should take a fundraising
lesson from our public schools. I think it’s the perfect solution to the budget
crisis. It was announced the other day that the deficit will soon reach 1.1
trillion dollars. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for the government to stop
spending more than it hauls in, but with some simple school-style fundraising, it
can begin to generate a lot more revenue.
So, here’s how I’d get it done. I’d start by using a
two-pronged workforce. Those census workers need to stop counting and start
selling. Hell, they only work every 10 years anyway. Secondly, anybody
receiving unemployment has plenty of time to go door-to-door and make a few phone
calls and begin earning some of that money they’re receiving. There are plenty
of products out there that can be sold beside the aforementioned wrapping
paper: chocolate, candles, kitchen supplies, jewelry, and makeup. Anything that
comes with a catalog and a pyramid marketing scheme is fair game until we get
this deficit under control.
Congress could also take a page out of the Girls
Scouts of America handbook. Just think how much money can be made if those
cookies were available year round. So, the Feds can sell the cookies and give
the Girl Scouts a percentage of the dough. Then those pint-sized,
avocado-uniformed young ladies can get back to more important things, like
selling wrapping paper for their schools.
While we’re at it, I don’t see why the government can’t
sponsor a few fun-runs and walk-a-thons. Think about how much money could be
made if every homeless person worked in a government-sponsored car wash one Saturday
morning a month. The local high school track team and cheerleading squad can
work the other weekends! Bake sales will have to be out, though. All we need is
someone to get sick from too much gluten in their brownies and sue the government.
Talk about unproductive.
Americans are amazing at raising money and we are even
more generous to dish it out. It’s time to cut back on the money given to all
the disease research societies and disaster victims. I know this sounds harsh, but
it’s not for good, just until the budget is balanced. Think of Uncle Sam as the
crazy relative from up north who needs to borrow a few bucks. And it’s not a
total donation; you’ll be getting some sweet wrapping paper and some delicious
cookies in the process.
Just think, thanks to some good-ol’-fashioned fundraising,
we can get the deficit erased in no time. And then, with a balanced budget, the
government can start spending more wisely. Like putting more money into
education so I can get a classroom computer that works.
