The War on Soda

I’ve loved drinking soda pop since my youth.

Back in the day we had this place called Town Club. It was like the Garden of Eden of sugary sodas. My mom would take my sister and I and we’d grab a wooden crate into which we’d cram 24 bottles of our favorite flavors: grape, orange, root beer … whatever we wanted. Then we’d drive home to the cacophony of the glass containers clinking together in the truck of mom’s bright orange AMC Hornet. I guess Town Club was a pioneer of the recycling movement, because we could take the empties back in their crate and load up for more.

In high school, I had a job at a local drug store where I could get a bottle of Coca Cola for a quarter. And then the Big Gulp era began. At Central Michigan University we had a 7-11 on campus where my roommates and I could get our 32 ounces to guzzle during those late-night study sessions.

College students in New York City are going to have find devices other than soda to stay awake. Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to change how New Yorkers drink soda. He has proposed a law that would forbid shops and restaurants from selling sugary sodas, teas, and energy drinks larger than 16 ounces.

Dude. Seriously?

Ok, I get it. Americans are fat. Obesity and heart disease are killing off Americans faster than the Hatfields and McCoys reduced the population of Tug Fork, West Virginia. In addition, rising health care costs are a financial burden to employers and the economy.

But this has got to be the craziest law ever. We as a society are basically swimming in soda. There are 44 and 68 ounce-sized sodas. Restaurants have free refills. Fast-food eateries want you to super-size. At the grocery store, a two-liter costs less that a 20 ounce bottle. At Costco you can get 36 cans for the same price as a 12-pack at the market.

How does he expect to enforce such a law? Will there be the Pop Police? I picture a uniformed officer guarding the self-serve soda dispenser at Subway. A man walks up to the dispenser, fills his 16 ounce cup, takes a swig, and goes to top it off. Suddenly, sirens rings, alarms go off, the guard springs to life and slaps the cuffs on the unsuspecting soda consumer. “You shoulda’va picked another spot for your five-dollar foot long, buddy!” the guard screams.

The legislation could be a new opportunity for Law and Order creator Dick Wolf to spin off a new series. Law and Order SPS: Soda Pop Swindlers. In the show, a pair of gritty New York detectives like Ice T and Mariska Hargitay patrol the streets looking for waitresses who give one too many refills, and for bodega owners who turn a blind eye to the Wall Street investment banker who wants two Pepsis and a Red Bull with his afternoon snack.

Think about how the illegal Big Gulps will thrive on the Black Market. New Yorkers will be driving to Jersey and Connecticut for their super-sized sodas. So maybe Bloomberg can stop the stores, movie theaters, and restaurants from selling Godzilla-sized sodas. But can he stop them from selling two or three smaller sized ones? I’m not a math wizard, but doesn’t three 12 ouncers equal more than a 32 ouncer?

I’m glad that Bloomberg wants his citizens to be healthier. Just like I’m happy that our cities and states have cracked down on cigarette smoking. It’s great that restaurants and airports are smoke-free. I like that ushers at the ballpark keep fans from lighting up in the stands. However, this soda law makes me think of how foolish some of the no-smoking regulations are. There’s a sign prohibiting smoking at the softball field where I play on Sundays. It’s attached to the fence above where our rightfielder regularly puffs away while we’re up to bat.

I think it’s odd that the mayor has proposed this soda law. What’s next? A one doughnut limit at Winchell’s? Has the mayor seen the artery-clogging portion sizes at restaurants like the Cheesecake Factory and Claim jumper?

In my job, I am always pleading with my students to care about their grades. I want them to study, try harder, and show their work on every math problem. I can give them strategies to help them and incentives to motivate them. I even have to at times enforce consequences for their lack of effort. But the thing is, I really can’t make them care about their grades. It always goes back to that old adage about leading a horse to water.

And Mayor Bloomberg can’t make New Yorkers care about their health. He can motivate. He can give incentives to be healthier. He can try to lead them away from the soda, but they’re still going to drink.

It’s most certainly a good thing to cut back on soda. I know I’m trying to. But I’m still going to have a Diet Coke or two, especially with my extra large New York style pizza.