Heaven's Murderer's Row

There’s the great double-play trio of Tinker to Evers to Chance. But how about the one of King David to Zacchaeus to Samson?

The amazing little book, “Heaven is for Real,” got me wondering if there is baseball in heaven. In the book, three-year-old Colton Burpo survives an emergency operation for a ruptured appendix. Over the next few years he recounts his “three-minute” trip to heaven while he was in the operating room.

Colton had time to see God, sit with Jesus, and meet John the Baptist, an unborn sister, and his great grandfather. I emailed Colton’s father, who wrote the book, to ask him to find out if there is indeed baseball in heaven. Colson, now 11 years old, answered in the affirmative. He also said that many of the Old and New Testament Bible characters are still active and very much enjoy the after-life’s pastime.

This immediately made me wonder who was playing and what positions they took up. Here’s what I came up with:

At first-base I’d put Samson. The guy was so strong that he’d be a consistent homerun threat. No doubt he’d bat clean-up. Keep him away from the barber and he’d lead the league in all the power stats. Forget Brian Wilson’s beard, in heaven there’s commercials about Samson’s hair.

My second baseman would be Zacchaeus. Not known for his size, Zacchaeus was quick and had good hands as he demonstrated by climbing a tree to get a view of Jesus. I’d bat him second, hoping he could draw a ton of walks. He was also a tax-collector known for ripping the people off, so I’m sure he be able to steal some bases too.

King David would be my shortstop. David was a leader and fierce competitor. He’d be my field general and a calming influence when thing got tough. Plus, he had a great arm and could really sling the ball across the diamond.

Third base is known as the “hot corner” and I can’t find anyone more suited for its trials than Daniel. If he could survive a den of lions, then third base is piece of cake. Plus, he knows a thing or two about heat, having witnessed his three buddies tossed into a fiery furnace.

Moving to the outfield you’d find one of my favorite southpaws of the Old Testament, Ehud. I see him batting third in front of Samson, providing some lefty, righty matchup problems for the opposing pitcher. Plus, as the team’s only port-sider, he could also come in as a late-inning relief specialist.

Moses would be my center fielder for the simple fact that he can cover a ton of ground. Gideon would be playing right field. He was another of the Lord’s mighty warriors, strong enough to defeat whole armies with only a few fellow soldiers. He also pulled down a tower with his bare hands. Something tells me that he’s got a rocket for an arm.

On the mound as my starting pitcher would be the great prophet Elijah. With a fastball in the upper 90’s, he could really bring the heat. Anybody who can call down fire from heaven and depart from Earth in a chariot of fire deserves to be my flame-throwing ace every fifth day.

Doing the catching is the Apostle Paul. The guy was simply tough as nails. He endured shipwrecks, beatings, and stonings which makes him perfect for blocking balls in the dirt and absorbing collisions from the occasional bang-bang play at the plate.

The team’s closer would be the Apostle Peter. He has the crazy volatile temperament to handle the pressure of the being the pitcher needed to end the game. He was reactionary, hot-headed, and tad dense; a description of a few of the great closers in recent memory.

My DH would be Jacob. With his bad hip he just can’t play in the field every day. Noah could also DH and serve as a pinch hitter because he can really handle the lumber.

My pinch runners would be Jonah because he was always on the move, first running from God and then to God. Also the prodigal son had a gift for running home as well.

With all his wisdom, Solomon would be a terrific manager. Handling the umpiring duties would be Israel’s greatest Judge, Samuel.

Jesus, no doubt is the ultimate five-tool player and could also serve as the team trainer. He’s much too busy holding the universe together to play every day, but Solomon often beckons him to the plate whenever the situation calls for a sacrifice.