Lessons from the Stormtroopers

Children still love to dress up as Star Wars characters for Halloween. This makes George Lucas a genius - because 33 years ago, I dressed up as a Star Wars character for Halloween. Yes, I was a Star Wars fan. Every Christmas brought new Star Wars action figures and merchandise. I had the whole movie on … a record. And of course, there was my homemade Luke Skywalker costume. Star Wars was my introduction to the silver screen and I’ve been in love with movies ever since.

But one question has plagued me since my early movie-going childhood: why couldn’t Darth Vader’s white-plastic-wearing foot soldiers hit the broad side of the Millennium Falcon with their blasters? I mean, they had to have had the worst aim in history, past and futuristic. And every time I watch a movie where the villains and bad guys can’t hit a thing, I call them graduates of the “Stormtrooper School of Shooting” … because to be that bad, they had to have been taught by the very worst.

Bad marksmanship probably didn’t start with the Stormtroopers. I bet the Germans and the Indians had horrible aim in every John Wayne war movie or western. However, as weaponry improves, bad guy shooting seems to be getting worse. I just watched, The Green Zone featuring Matt Damon. With automatic weapons that from 500 yards could cross the F on Lindsay Lohan’s fingernail, the Iraqis couldn’t bring down a limping Damon trudging across a Baghdad courtyard from a nearby rooftop. I know the protagonist can’t get taken out, but why do the directors have to make it so obviously silly when the bad guys spray a room with lead and hit nothing but the wallpaper?

Another action-movie staple that I can’t stand is the fight scene in which the hero takes on five bad guys at once. Except that the bad guys, never rush the hero at once. No, that would make too much sense. Instead, they each wait patiently in line as if they’re at Starbucks ordering a mocha. They charge into the hero’s punches, kicks, and head-butts before falling like dominos, one after the other. In the movie Taken, Liam Neeson is searching for his kidnapped daughter. He finagles his way into an upstairs apartment where a group of meanies are sitting around playing cards (bad guys love to kill time playing cards). Liam initiates a brawl, single-handedly whipping the villains as they come at him one at a time. You can almost see them playing “Rock-Paper-Scissors” in the background to determine who gets his butt kicked next. Of course, one bad guy survives the melee, and chases Liam out of the apartment and down the stairs, littering the whole area code with bullets, none of which connects with its target.

Of course action movie heroes always have impeccable aim. Our brave protagonist (insert over-paid actor name here) can be down to his last bullet, arrow, or pocketknife; and can be riding on a horse, a motorcycle, a boat, a helicopter, driving a car or hanging out of a airplane and WILL always put one right between the eyes of his pursuer. The good guys never attend the Stormtrooper School of Shooting.

In addition to fine shooting skills, the action movie’s star also has to have the superb ability to escape and defy impending doom. Once in every action movie, the hero will ultimately get caught by the bad guys. Normally, the head bad guy will show up and order the hero to be executed. However, the final bullet is never fired immediately. Again, that would make too much sense. Instead, our trusty hero is usually spared immediate death, and is relocated to a better killing room, usually involving overhead pipes from which he can be dangled. While the bungling henchmen sit around (playing cards) waiting for the perfect time to carry out the boss’ orders, (Funny, the boss said “kill him,” not “sit around and wait for him to free himself, then kill him”) our hero will escape, foil the execution, and expediently slay his captors who are this time drawing straws one at a time to decide the order of their one-by-one attack.

Just about every action movie nowadays thinks it’s a James Bond film. Bond should be only character permitted to fall out of planes, survive car explosions, and jump from an overpass onto a moving semi. Bond movies are really just Roadrunner cartoons. Like the Coyote, OO7 takes a pounding in his tuxedo, only to bounce back in the next scene to gracefully order a drink and cozy up to the nearest bombshell. We as viewers expect the Bond films to be this way. It wouldn’t be a Bond film if it were any different.

But action movie makers these days are always trying to top each other. They sacrifice storyline, acting, and writing by trying to create the biggest explosion, longest chase scene, or most dynamic computer-generated special effect moment that always leaves me shaking my head and saying, “No way!”

I’m really tempted to watch The Book of Eli. Denzel wouldn’t go James Bond-wanna be on us, would he? But the trailer gives it away. Too many explosions. Too many fight scenes. Too many poor-shooting bad guys. I even went to film’s website to get a better idea of what to expect. I wasn’t surprised. Because there on the Credits page was a photo of lead villain Gary Oldman and his cohorts displaying their diplomas from the Stormtrooper School of Shooting.