Two of my biggest dreams came true in 2013. Tim McCarver
retired and Major League Baseball A retirement party for Dick Vitale. He’s become completely unwatchable. His shtick has become even more overbearing and annoying than it was 20 years ago. I had to get a new TV remote the other day. It didn’t have a “mute” button. Then I pushed a button labeled “Vitale” and it cut out the sound. I recently tried to watch a game that Vitale was working with closed captioning. The captioning couldn’t keep up with Dickie V. He was raving about Duke freshman Jabari Parker so rapidly that the captioning flat-lined. It just went blank. Then it made the same frustrated head-shaking sound as the Aflac Duck in the commercial with Yogi Berra. It’s time for Dick to follow McCarver into the sunset.
A very, very slight down year for Miguel Cabrera. I still hope he continues to rack up homers and RBI, but Mike Trout of the Angels needs to win the MVP award in 2014.
A time machine for Angels’ owner Arte Moreno. He could set it for 2009 when Albert Pujols, Josh Hamilton, and the recently acquired Raul Ibanez all started in the All-Star game. But those three have to make sure Trout doesn’t tag along for a joy ride. In ’09, he was still in high school.
A giant clue for Robinson Cano. Quick, name the two Yankee second basemen in the Hall of Fame. It’s a toughie. If you said Tony Lazzeri and Joe Gordon you’re a baseball history stud. Cano, a certain Hall of Famer, was on track to be the best Yankee second baseman in the team’s history. And he goes to Seattle? He must really like coffee. And rain. And cross-country flights. Players usually take the big bucks to go to New York. He was already there, playing in a stadium with the shortest right field porch east of my high school field. I’ve never understood leaving a good team for a bad one. Just for more cash. I know money talks, but the Yankees made him a fair offer. I long for the superstars like Cal Ripken and Tony Gywnn who played out their Hall of Fame careers with one team. Robby, the Mariners are not going to the playoffs anytime soon. Don’tcha Cano?
A chauffer for Yasiel Puig.
A vat of Barbasol for the Boston Redsox. I’m tired of outfielders looking like Civil War reenactors. Today’s players look like the cartoon characters in which Bugs Bunny square-danced with a Hatfield and a McCoy. The NFL has a very strict uniform policy. It fines players for wearing socks incorrectly. But in baseball, players can look like coal miners with beards as long as a Louisville Slugger. The Yankees have a facial-hair rule banning anything other than mustaches. It’s time for commissioner Bud Selig to expand this rule league-wide. Goatees and beards can still be worn, within reason. Just like umpires can issue a “cup check” in Little League, General Managers will have to do “beard checks” on their players. If he can grab a fistful of whiskers, like in the above picture, it’s time for a shave.
A really, really, really good head coach for the Lions. You have to go back to the early 70s to find a Lions coach with a winning record (Joe Schmidt. 1967-1972. 43-34). Even good ol’ Wayne Fontes was one game under .500. By Lions standards, they should rename the stadium after him. I don’t want another retread or unproven upstart like Jim Schwartz, Rod Marinelli, Dick Jauron, Steve Mariucci, and Marty Mornhinweg (combined 60-148 since 2001). The Ford family needs to either sell the team and take the nearest Ecoboost vehicle out of Motown, or pony (Mustang?) up and pay for an all-time great to come out of retirement. I’m talking somebody like Bill Cowher. Or Bill Parcells. How about Don Shula? At 83, he’d probably do better than Schwartz did over the last two months. The Lions have been bad for over 40 years. That’s longer than it took the Israelites to walk from Egypt to the Promised Land. Every team has a bad year or two. But 40? Look at the Carolina Panthers. In 2003, they lost the Super Bowl. In 2010, they finished 2-14. This year, they’re 12-4. They have a menacing defense and are the second seed going into the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Lions have been rebuilding, and rebuilding, and rebuilding.
A new two-point conversion play for the Michigan football team. The Wolverines need much more than that, like an offensive line, two new coordinators, and a better head coach. But I don’t want to be greedy. After the U of M Basketball team lost in the championship game, and the Tigers lost in a brutal manner in the baseball playoffs, a Michigan win over archrival Ohio State would have healed my sporting soul.
All in all, it wasn’t a bad year in my sports atmosphere.
Michigan’s basketball run to the Final Four was magical, the football team beat
Notre Dame, the Lions won on Thanksgiving, and Alabama was denied a chance to
three-peat. I really hope a few of the above items can come true.
If so, 2014 will be flat out scary, babeeeeeeee!!
Happy New Year.
