Finally.
Albert Pujols hit his first homer as an Angel on Sunday.
It’s about time. My softball team puts more balls over the fence than Pujols.
At this rate, he’s on pace to hit a whopping six dingers for the season. Matt
Kemp of the Dodgers had six before the season was a week old. Heck, Josh
Hamilton just slammed four homers in one game.
I think Albert should thank me for his first homer.
You see, on Saturday, I emailed Tim Mead, the Angels
Vice President of Communications, with a few suggestions on how the team could
help poor (hah!) Albert. Tim is also good friends with my buddy Justin Robinson. I
dropped Justin’s name in the email, so I’m quite positive Mr. Mead took my
email seriously.
In case you didn’t know, or are not up on your
baseball knowledge (like my sister Neb), Pujols spent 11 seasons in the
National League as a St. Louis Cardinal. He basically started hitting homers
and collecting RBI from day one until, well, joining the Angels. He has some of
the best stats in history. If he retired today, he’d be a first-ballot Hall of
Famer.
Anyway, here’s my list of how the Angels can help
their struggling slugger:
1.
Have the St.
Louis Arch cut into the grass at Angels Stadium like the Cardinals do at Busch
Stadium.
2.
Tell Albert that
the 57 freeway, which runs past Angels stadium, is really the Mississippi
River.
3.
Have a wax statue
of former Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa molded and brought into the dugout. Tell
Pujols that LaRussa came out of retirement to be manager Mike Scioscia’s bench
coach. For road trips, the equipment guys can fix some wheels to the bottom of
the statue and Albert can push the wax LaRussa through airports and opposing
cities.
4.
Change the team’s
unofficial mascot from the Rally Monkey to the Rally Cardinal.
5.
Petition the
league office to move up the start of inter-league play.
6.
Have Angel
batters hyphenate their last names to include the surnames of the St. Louis
players. For example, Torii Hunter can become Torii Hunter-Holiday. Erick
Aybar-Furcal will be at shortstop and Vernon Wells-Freese will be left.
7.
Have owner Arte
Moreno dress up like Mark Twain and deliver a rousing pre-game speech. In
Spanish, no less.
8.
Bring back
retired Angel Bengie Molina, older brother to current Cardinal catcher Yadier
Molina. Then tell Albert that Bengie is
Yadier, only fatter.
Obviously, Pujols is having quite a tough time
adjusting to his new home in the American League. He’s batting below .200 and
only has 9 RBI. The Angels are paying Pujols 240 million dineros to
consistently fall behind in the count, watch fastballs down the middle, and hit
weak grounders to third base.
Pujols had made several adjustments to try fix his
problems at the plate, mostly to the style of his facial hair. We’ve seen a
goatee-d Albert, a fully bearded Albert, and now a clean-shaven Albert. Also, as
a show of team solidarity, for a few games the whole starting nine wore their
britches hiked up to their knees. However, neither adjusting his razor or the
length of his pants has done the trick. On Saturday, Scioscia benched big
Albert for the first time this season. Mark Trumbo got the start at first base
and promptly did what Pujols has been unable to do until Sunday, hit a home
run.
I’m sure it must be tough for Pujols, what with
switching leagues, seeing pitchers for the first time, dealing with traffic on
the 5, enduring all those long flights from the west coast, and finding a bank
big enough to hold all that cash. Plus it’s got to be excruciating seeing his
anemic stats on the scoreboard, constantly comparing them to light-hitting
middle infielders and backup catchers who have more home runs and RBI than he
does.
All the baseball talking heads continue to say that
Albert will be alright and that he’s going to finish the season with his
standard 30 homers and 100 RBI. I’m not so sure. Maybe he needs some more powerful
motivation. I spent my Saturday toiling in a friend’s backyard. We busted up a
concrete patio the size of Rhode Island and hauled it piece by piece with
wheelbarrows into a dumpster. It was grueling work and it took me back to my
college days mowing lawns and doing landscaping during the summers. There’s
nothing like a little manual labor to remind me how nice I have it in my
classroom.
I’m not suggesting that Albert join a gardening crew,
but maybe on his next day off he could come by my school and see how I work. I
bet having him stare into the eyes of my 23 cherubs like he used to stare down opposing pitchers would have a memorable,
and perhaps frightening, effect on him. Maybe seeing what I do for the annual salary of what he earns per at-bat would light the fire he needs to return to his old slugging self.
I kinda like this idea. I see another email to Tim
Mead on the horizon.
